tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
