I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
