It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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