I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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