I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
