Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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