Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize