I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
