the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
