Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
