i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize