WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
