Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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