so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
