In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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