I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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