i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
