im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
