a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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