the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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