Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
