I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
