No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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