My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
