apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
