My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
well you can't waste a boner
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize