Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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