and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
that is very illegal...i love you.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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