woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The beer is more important than you right now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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