My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Randomize
