my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
