honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
