i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
