I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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