Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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