Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
