Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
