dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize