I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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