Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
