There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
