Swine flu is the new snow day.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
