You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
