i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
