Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
