Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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