If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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