I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
