I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
