I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
