You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
