dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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