i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
