Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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