I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
