failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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